The Dating Worries and Woes of Tsunade Senju (and Other Short Stories)
by Kenzie Perth
Summary: Currently: How Dead is Dead? Haruno Sakura wants to know. Also, she's getting reaaaaaally experienced with the whole time-travel thing. (Where I shove all the Naruto oneshots I don't really want to deal with.)
1. The Real Reason Tsunade Drinks

**A/N: I really need to actually work on my long stories.**

 **I don't know where this came from, and I'm sorry for the unabashed crack that is present in this oneshot.**

 **Also GOSHDARNIT NARUTO STOP TAKING OVER MY STORY IDEAS.**

Tsunade Senju had a very good reason for not dating anyone on her team.

In the beginning, she _might_ have liked Orochimaru a little bit (at least more than Jiraiya, that brat) – and who could blame her? That lovely black hair, that brooding look, the tragic past – oh wait, wrong generation. Sorry.

She was certainly aware of the fact that Jiraiya liked her in a sort of puppy dog sort of way that was simultaneously annoying and kind of adorable. Mostly, though, he needed to leave her alone.

More than anything, though, Tsunade would succeed in being a first-rate kunoichi, which meant that despite her crush on her teammate and her annoyance at the other, she behaved professionally for the most part. (At least she tried). It would be stupid for a Jounin to fail her mission because she was making eyes at a boy.

That all sort of fell apart one day during a group training session. Tsunade was a bit late to the agreed upon training ground for reasons utterly unimportant and likely to be forgotten sooner rather than later, which mean that both Orochimaru and Jiraiya had arrived before her.

They were also in a very secluded area, with Hashirama-grown trees hiding the majority of the training ground from civilian and most ninja's view – even chakra sensing was muffled to a degree, because of the odd nature of Mokuton-made trees.

Well, Tsunade walked onto the training ground, an apology for tardiness on her lips and expecting to see the boys of her team sparring. They were sparring.

With their faces.

Rather intensely.

Suddenly, everything made so much more sense to the girl now.

She sat there for a minute.

The two didn't even so much as break lip-contact.

She stared at some birds.

No sign of recognition from the pair.

Finally, she sighed and gave up, walking away to have the breakfast she missed. There was this new ramen stand that the Jounin in the mission room kept mentioning – Ichi-something. (She snapped a picture first, though. For blackmail purposes.)

Huh.

A couple months later, an amused Sandaime was teasing Tsunade about Jiraiya.

He was very confused when the woman started laughing hard enough that she fell off her stool and spilled her ramen.


	2. Oops, I Did it Again

**I have no excuse besides school. This may be a two-shot. We'll see.**

* * *

The first time Sakura died she was 12 years old.

It was on her first mission to Wave Country and it was because she didn't duck fast enough.

Momochi Zabuza's sword cut cleanly through the top of head - there was lots of blood and brain matter ruining her dress but Sakura didn't care. Mostly because she was dead.

Except instead of any of the expected afterlives or reincarnation or even nothing, there was the words

 **YOU DIED. RESTART?**

 **Y/N**

That was the first time.

The second, Sakura didn't remember until she saw her client for her first C-rank mission. She dimly heard Naruto protesting the attitude of Tazuna and Kakashi-sensei's admonishment through the stream of _panicdeathdeathdeath_

"Maa, Naruto. You should follow Sakura's example." Sakura looked up and smiled, hiding her terror.

This time it was a stray kunai from the battle between Kakashi-sensei and Zabuza that did her in.

The third time, it was ANBU determining her a possible infiltrator and dragging her to T&I straight out of the Academy. (She bit off her own tongue and bled out rather than face her village's generous hospitality towards spies - the sad thing was, it _was_ quite hospitable compared to the other Hidden Villages.)

The fourth time, she accompanied Naruto on the mission to retrieve Tsunade. One well-applied chakra scalpel from Kabuto was all it took to send her back to the restart screen.

The fifth, it was a murderous Sasuke burying a Chidori in her chest, Naruto's Ransengan in her back. (There was guilt there; even when she was saving his life, she always turned her back on Naruto)

The sixth, a quiet assassination by Zetsu for being far too bold.

The seventh, crushed to death by Pein's attack on Konoha.

The eighth was a long and painful death handed to her by a grieving and power-mad Sasuke, blaming her and Konoha for everything wrong with him and his family. (The image of him dropping his tanto, eyes wide with shock and remorse as Sakura breathed her last would not leave her for a very long time.)

After that, Sakura stopped keeping track.

It was probably the 40th time that she managed to die of old age (after, of course, getting offed by various members of the Akatsuki, bad luck (and similar events of the like), and in one memorable occasion, getting run over by an elephant summon), kicking the can before her husband and her child-turned-Hokage. When the restart screen appeared, she almost didn't choose yes.

Almost.

* * *

Haruno Sakura was a precocious girl, her parents had decided in order to save their sanity. She had always had very knowing green eyes since she was far too young, with a stare that nearly made her aunt drop her in her first two weeks.

So when Sakura returned from her first day of Academy with an expression that gave Mebuki an impression of her own grandmother - a long, calculating look - she wasn't particularly surprised, and, quickly recalling 17 stumped councilors and a bank account with contents only disappearing as fast as her sanity - asked instead how her daughter's first day of school had been.

Actually, it had been great. The earlier the better seemed to apply to massive timeline changes, Sakura had found, and remembering this early in her friends' lives meant that there was a lot she could still change.

This time, she had decided halfway through learning the proper angle to hold a kunai at, she would pull a Naruto and save everyone.

'Let's see,' she thought as she laid out her homework on her desk, 'The Uchiha massacre has nearly six months before it'll become a problem...'

(Far off in the dark, a tragically loyal Uchiha felt a shiver run up his spine.)

* * *

(After all, so what if she died?)

(It wasn't like she didn't have a second chance.)


	3. Narugami? I don't know I'm uncreative

It was well known that the Hidden Leaf Village treated its Shinki the best of any God Village; unlike the forbidding Mist and Cloud, the ninja of Leaf prided themselves on unique matches between Shinki and Kami, strong partnerships that used what would be viewed as weaknesses in other, more militant villages as strengths.

That being said, Umino Iruka, part-time Shinki of Kakashi Hatake and full-time teacher of aspiring young Kami and their potential partners, had never seen such a uniquely imbalanced team. The typical team was two Shinki and a Kami; one Shinki was usually combat-oriented while the other was usually support- or defense-oriented. (If a Kami joined ANBU, they would bring their Shinki with them to form a larger team with whoever else they got assigned to.)

However, this wasn't always a guarantee; since teams were assigned before Shinki were named and therefore based purely on guesswork, sometimes combinations like this happened.

Naruto Uzumaki, radiating waves of energy and excitement, stood excitedly in front of Iruka, holding in one hand a massive metal battle hammer with pink and green wrappings around the grip – the head of the hammer was probably heavier than Naruto's entire body mass, Iruka was sure – and in the other, a wickedly dangerous-looking black sword that crackled with electricity and in general gave off a very strong air of dramatic brooding.

"Iruka-sensei!" Naruto shouted again, as if he did not very much have Iruka's full attention. "I got to name my team, and they're awesome, and Kaka-sensei's a jerk, and I have my own Shinki now!" Each statement was punctuated by a swing of both weapons that made Iruka wince. "Don't you agree, 'ttebayo?" The last sentence was addressed towards the Shinki in his hands.

He gulped, rubbing the scar on the bridge of nose nervously. "That's very nice, Naruto. Why don't you let them go now, though? If they're stuck in weapon form, they won't be able to tell me about their special Shinki training, will they?"

Naruto pouted for a second, but released them both – in a matter of seconds, two very rumpled looking genin-Shinki were standing in front of him.

Haruno Sakura rounded on Naruto the moment she was released, hair ruffled and clothes wrinkled. "Your hands are sweaty!" she cried, shivering.

"Hn," agreed Sasuke, who looked equally messy but seemed to be pulling it off better.

Pouting, Naruto looked between both their annoyed faces and promptly burst into tears.

Iruka sighed. Some days, he wondered why he had agreed to become a teacher.

A second later, a gray head of hair poked in through the window, followed by a lurid orange book and finally the spindly but dangerous form of Kakashi Hatake. Iruka took one long look at the expression on his mostly-hidden face and suddenly remembered _exactly_ why he had taken up this job.

As Naruto somehow managed to grab both his Shinkis' hands as well as Iruka's and began to drag the trio towards his wayward sensei, babbling delightedly all the way, Iruka reflected that the payoff of teaching was still more than having a chance to avoid Kakashi for a legitimate reason.

And it certainly wasn't the salary for teaching beginning genin.


End file.
